Living in a Cocoon!

Have you ever gotten that feeling that you just want to curl up in a ball and die? Well, I have that feeling right now. I'd love to build a cocoon around me and not have to deal with anything for a good long while. I'm depressed... I'm sad... I just overall want to be alone with myself and listen to sappy music and cry myself to sleep. I don't want to wake up for days.

I wish I had somewhere to send Sean so he didn't have to see me this way. I love my son to death, but I hate that he can sense everything that I am feeling. When he feels that I am sad he also gets sad. Then when he is sad then I just feel even more sad.

My life sucks and I wish there was something to do about it to make it better. The thing is that it's my life. It never gets any better. It only gets worse.

Boredom

I have absolutely nothing to blog about lately. Maybe that is because my life has been consumed by nothingness and wedding planning. Actually, my mom has been such a wonderful help when it has come to the wedding planning. Since I do not live where the wedding is going to be and she does it means that she has been doing a ton of running around for me.

So because of that I love my mom even more than I did before. That woman is absolutely amazing and I am so lucky to have her as a mom. She's the best!

Rambling

I believe tonight calls for rambling on about nothing and everything at the same time. Maybe, just maybe, it's because all I've been blogging about is this upcoming wedding. I believe that I need to take my mind off of it for just a second and think about nothing except for random things.

What randomness should I start rambling off about first? Well, I believe what I just wrote could be the first thing. One thing I was always taught in English class is that you never start a paragraph with a question. Actually if you are writing a paper of any sort, my teachers always told me that there should be no questions in it at all.

Well, I don't agree with that. I guess it's okay if you are writing an informational paper, but I love to question my audience. I like to get the wheels in their heads turning before I offer up the answer about what I am going to say. With this I believe I have started my rambling off quite well.

Next subject, music. I just read my soon-to-be sister-in-law's blog a few minutes ago. Here it is. She, Mary, is a sixteen year old that has quite a bit to say. She is an aspiring writer, who is doing a great job so far. Well, in her blog she talks about film scores. I agree with her that a film score greatly contributes to a movie. I mean, honestly, would anyone remember the songs from the Lion King if they hadn't been written by Elton John? (Look another question!) Then there is every movie that has the score composed by John Williams. I suggest just looking at his IMDB page. With movies like Jaws, the Star Wars saga, Indiana Jones, and Schindler's List how could you say his scores don't contribute to the films?

Now, of course I'm not saying it is only John Williams is the only reason the movies did well. Directors like George Lucas and Steven Spielberg tend to know what type of movie is going to sell. I believe this is the reason they choose a great composer.

John Williams isn't the only great composer out there right now. I believe Danny Elfman is also outstanding. I really can't picture listening to a score from a Tim Burton movie without Danny Elfman doing the music. Also, there's the whole thing with him doing the voice of Jack Skellington. Who would have thought a composer could also sing?

Awesome movie and yet again, Tim Burton and Danny Elfman.

I believe my rambling has come to an end. I'm going to watch that stealth cat again. My sides hurt because I was laughing so hard. It could be possible that I even pee'd myself a little. So if you didn't click on the video I suggest you do it now. Also, maybe you should wear Depends while doing so. Okay, it might not be that funny to you, but I thought it was.

Amazing!

I have found flower girl/junior bridesmaid dresses for Chloe, Joy, and Jannah. I couldn't believe the steal we are getting. The dress only cost $9.99 with $9.95 shipping. So for the two dresses for Joy and Jannah it only cost us $37.88 (the shipping for the second dress was $7.95 instead of $9.95). I just can't believe it.

Even better is the fact that the sash on the dresses match the color of my sash and the bridesmaid dresses. Can't believe how well things are coming together. I hope everything keeps going this way.

Now on to flowers for the ceremony. My mom and sister, Molly made a wonderful, cheap suggestion. They suggested green hydrangeas for the ceremony. I think that they will be perfect and they are in season in August. Now just for the bouquets. I'm thinking about something really simple. I like the idea of green and white roses. White roses are my favorite after all. Maybe I can add some snap dragons in there too. Using snap dragons would be a great way of including my Grandma Covieo since she can't be with us physically. I know that she and Grandpa will be there spiritually though.

Planning has begun (Is it really real?)

Maybe, because I've been insane with wedding planning, I haven't been blogging much. But, with the lack of blogging, planning has been going pretty smooth.

This past weekend I went back home to Michigan in order to get with my mom and all of my bridesmaids. On Saturday we headed towards David's Bridal for me to try on dresses and for the bridesmaids to try on theirs. Amazingly when I tried on the dress I had been eyeballing for nearly a year I actually liked it on me. The only problem was that the top was a little too tight, even though the rest of it fit fine. I guess that's what I get for being blessed on top. They didn't have the size that I would need so I had to order my dress. I was also quite happy when the girl who had gotten my measurements had grabbed me a size 8 initially and that was why the top was too small. She also told me that she wanted to get me a size 6, but they didn't have one.

The bridesmaids dresses weren't nearly as easy as my dress. The initial dress that I had chosen just didn't look right on any of the girls. So instead we went with two different dresses that were a similar cut to the original, but had different necklines. I really like the idea of having bridesmaids who are happy with how their dresses look on them. Melissa, Molly, and Laurie all went with a strapless that had a slight sweetheart neckline. Theresa and Mandy went with the halter neckline.

The halter shown here is the actual color of the dresses. It is clover green. The strapless shown is actually the color of the sash that is going to be worn with the bridesmaid dresses.

I like the sash because it gives a more defined waistline. So just imagine this look with the clover dress and the pistachio sash.

My dress is very simple with a similar cut as the bridesmaids dresses. I wanted a simple A-line. I'm not a very fancy person. I like to keep things very simple.

The sash of course is the wrong color and is actually the wrong sash too. My sash is going to be clover green and it has embellished tails. Here's a picture, but of course it's probably hard to see the embellishing. The front of the sash looks the same as the sashes on the bridesmaid dresses.

So this is what I did this weekend. And thankfully Melissa and Theresa are going to be able to help me out with the slip and the full length bra. If I didn't have them is was going to be at least another $150 for those. Overall, my dress and sash were $330, which includes tax. The bridesmaid dresses were only $105, including tax. Now to find the shoes. I have a couple of ideas so far. Tell me what you think about these.

These would be the same color as the bridesmaid dresses, clover green. White is just too darn boring for me.

Then of course there are these. I know I'm crazy. These are even Christian Louboutin and they have five inch heels. I wouldn't have to have my dress altered then. And we found them for only $105. My older sister told me that she would buy them for my wedding gift. I just think they rock because they are camouflage.

Well, that is all for today. Hope to see you all again soon.

I can't believe it! Oh wait, yes I can.

So I have not been in the blog world in nearly a week. This is not a good thing. I do not want to become the person that I was before who never blogged, but once in a blue moon. Ahh... Blue Moon, sounds yummy right now. Wait a minute. I think I have just found the reason for the lack of blogging this week. Well, yes I did. It's easy to see. It was ADD week for me.

This week has been crazy. I've officially started wedding planning and I am doing it for a wedding that is going to happen on August 20th, 2011. Yes, 2011. I know I am crazy for only giving myself a few months, but what the heck. If I don't do it now then I'm never going to do it. Jay and I have been living together for almost three years now. And then there's the whole, we've been engaged since December 24th, 2008. I have been engaged for over two years now. This is just crazy.

Maybe it isn't crazy. I kind of like the fact that Jay and I have been together for five years now. At least I really know the guy I am going to marry. Made a little mistake somewhere around 21 and didn't do that then. Let's just say that I had a slight sickness from the time I was 20 until I was 22. I'm going to claim that I have amnesia and don't remember much about those years.

Actually, I could probably blame alcohol. Fort Bragg was not good to my liver. It was very bad. From the time I was 18 until I was about 25, I was always a vodka drinker. I would order double shots of vodka at the bar and drink at least 5 of those, plus whatever mixed drink I was feeling at the moment.

I remember a stretch from October 2000 to March 2001, that nearly every night was at a bar. For awhile there my roommate, Amanda and I, would follow our favorite singers, Paddy and Bill, to every bar that they played. We were all over Fayetteville, North Carolina. I think it was because I was so independent and out all of the time that the guy I was dating at the time liked me. I don't think he really cared to have a girlfriend that wanted to be the girlfriend that was thinking of settling down. Kurt was more out there to have fun.

I really liked the guy, but didn't like the fact that he liked to hang out when he felt like hanging out. He didn't like the fact that I always hung out with whoever I wanted to, but oddly enough that is what drew him to me in the first place. He thought it was so cool that this chick was hanging out with all of his infantry friends all of the time and it seemed that she totally fit in. The problem was when that chick became his girlfriend things changed and he didn't necessarily want her hanging out with the guys when he wasn't around. So the relationship strained and I was feeling it was time to meet a new guy.

I was continually going to bars and running into guys from the past. The part right before the amnesia starts to kick in. So besides hanging out with my infantry guys I was also hanging out with some MPs. MPs can be fun. They also can help keep you out of trouble. Or they can cause it.

I had one very strange night at the bar which was the start of an MP getting me into trouble. I was out with my boyfriend and the whole pack of infantrymen we tended to hang out with. In all I think there was about 12 of us and me and Amanda being the only girls. On this night, though, I ran into my old MP friends too, which amounted to about 4. Not really too many. Well, my boyfriend was firmly planted at the downstairs bar, while I was up dancing in the upstairs bar. Then the MPs introduced me to one of their female MPs. Well, to shorten things up, by the end of the night she was asking me to come home with her. Well, that was my cue to say, "I should probably be getting back downstairs to Kurt. I bet he wonders where I am." Of course, he was so deep into his Jack Daniels that he probably couldn't tell me from anyone else.

A few days later I was heading to a concert with two of my infantry boy friends. While driving to their barracks from my house I get pulled over. Wouldn't you know that it is the female MP from the other night. She took my license, registration, and insurance and went back to her car. When she came back, handing me my stuff and a ticket, she kindly said, "I guess you should have came home with me that night." Do you think I paid that ticket? That's a big no.

The concert was Cold, Staind, and Godsmack. It was absolutely insane. I made it all the way to the second row behind the barrier on the floor and then Staind opened up with this.

Let's just say I made it to the back pretty quickly after that. I thought I was going to be trampled. When Staind was finished it was time for Godsmack. I was going back up front again. I had lost the guys I went to the concert with, but had run into a guy that was in my company. He wanted to get up front and I told him I had no problem doing it before so I could do it again. I told him to stand behind me and hold on to my shirt and I would get us to the front. I got us pretty close. We were four rows of people away from the stage by the time this song came on.

The odd thing about this concert is that it is the reason my life turned around. While in a sea of bodies moving to the music a skinny shirtless guy asked if the guy behind me was my boyfriend. Of course I told him no. Then later on he yelled to me his phone number. I didn't plan on calling him.

It was the next morning at PT formation that my platoon sergeant, SSG Ward, asked me how the concert was. I said it was great and a pretty cute guy gave me his phone number. She bet me $20 that I wouldn't call him. I didn't want to lose the bet. The only reason I remembered his phone number was because the first three numbers were Fort Bragg barracks and the last four were the same as my dad's phone number.

So, I called the guy. Found out his name was Keith. He was watching the Breakfast Club and invited me over to his barracks room. That was March 8th, 2001. Sean Robert Krouse was born January 22nd, 2002. So you can see what happened there. A strange thing happened at a concert that turned my life around.

So, I thank you Keith for yelling me your phone number and I thank you even more for leaving me when I told you I wouldn't marry you and get out of the Army. If Keith wouldn't have come and gone I would have never had the chance to meet Jay.

The first few years Jay and I were together we weren't really together. We both started out in Iraq, having met in March 2006. Then I went back to Hawaii in September 2006. Then he went back to Illinois in December 2006. Then I got out of the Army, but moved back to Michigan in July 2007. During that time we listened to these two songs a lot.

We have been living together since August 2008. Engaged since December 24th, 2008. So, darn it! I am planning a wedding. I don't care if we don't have any money and we don't have that much time. I love this man more than any other man in my life and he will become my husband whether he likes it or not!

See what I mean about the ADD. I was talking about getting married and you got the whole story about me being a drunkard and meeting Sean's Dad. I'm quite the odd individual.

Some times I hate me!

Seriously, I dislike myself on many occasions. Some times it's just because I'm mad at myself because I didn't accomplish something. Other times it's because I find myself just a lazy piece of poo. Many times it's because I am just overall upset at my life and what goes along with it.

This time it is because I haven't accomplished something. I set out to do the 30 day photo challenge on facebook. I did pretty darn well the first week, but since then I've been horrible. I've gone at least a day or two without posting a picture. I'm mad because I want to follow the rules. I don't want to finish it because I caught up at the end of the thirty days.

I've found that my biggest problem is that I am a true perfectionist. If you are looking for what I believe is a true perfectionist I will give you mine definition. A perfectionist is someone who has to accomplish everything absolutely perfectly. A true perfectionist is an individual who believes that they have to accomplish everything absolutely perfectly and if they don't they give up. Giving up means that they really didn't try in the first place, which sends the message that if they didn't try it means they didn't seek out for it in the first place.

I am what I believe to be a true perfectionist. The last few times I tried out college again I got distracted by the fact that I didn't get straight As. By straight As I mean As, not A-s. When I don't accomplish my extremely high goals for myself I tend to give up. That just means that I don't have to be perfect anymore because I'm not doing anything.

This week is our time with the kids. Sadly enough, I am going to try to be the perfect mother with the perfect children. This means that I am going to try to rid them of all of their manner problems and occasionally, their complete disrespect for adult authority. It is going to be difficult, but these three children has so much potential and are beautiful, wonderful, outstanding kids. The biggest problem is that after it only takes me four days to get them back on track, then they are going to go back to there mom after a week of being the kids that everybody wishes there kids were like. Their mom doesn't care at all about manners and respect. She has none as an adult, so why should children have to worry about it?

This has been my biggest battle for over four years now. I met Jay's children when Joy was 6, Jannah was 4 (almost 5), and Justice was merely 3 years of age. First we spoke on the web cam. This was because Jay lived in Illinois and I lived in Hawaii. Sean and Joy also spent a great deal of time talking and playing games on the web cam. They, still to this day, talk about playing games with each other over the camera.

It's wasn't until April of 2007 that I decided that I would personally introduce myself and Sean to Jay's children (and Sean to Jay). We flew to Chicago for this and also because one of Jay's and my mutual friends were having a baptism for their son. This was a perfect opportunity for us to meet. Also, my mom, dad (technically step-dad, Dean, but he's my dad), older sister, Laurie, and Vaughn, my nephew decided to come to the Chicagoland area. This of course was quite the experience for Jay and his children. Not only was it the first time for the kids meeting me in person, but they were also going to have to meet my parents, one of my sisters, and my nephew.

Things worked out perfectly. After the first few days there Sean and I left traveled on to Jay's townhouse (my family went back to Michigan). We didn't have the entire time with Jay's kids, but when we did it was much more comfortable. Also, Jay got me back for the meeting the parents and sister thing by subjecting me to his entire family. It was Justice's 3rd birthday party and I got to meet Jay's parents, two of his siblings, his Aunt Debbi and Uncle Danny, and his Grandma and Grandpa Kruger.

We had a ton of fun, even though I felt I was not welcome at all. Saying that, later on (I mean years later) Jay's mom told me that she and her mother feared that I was like Jay's ex-wife. I told her I didn't talk much just because I was scared. I guess some of my shyness has continued on from my childhood.

Since then I got to meet Jay's Great Grandma Eastham, who passed away in November of 2008, just a month after my Grandma Covieo's untimely passing. Irene (Great Grandma Eastham) was one spunky lady. I loved sitting with her, Melody, Grandma Nancy (Jay's Grandma Kruger), Aunt Debbi, and Mary just chatting away. She told me some seriously funny stories, which I will have to share another time because if I do it now I will have nothing to blog about later.

Over the time Jay's family and I have become quite close. I actually relate them to my mom's side of the family, which is who I relate to most. They can be loud. They can be rude. They can occasionally hurt another's feelings. They can be giving. They can be caring. They can be stubborn. They can be overall annoying. But through all of this, they are loving. They love you for who you are. Yes, they may want to change certain things about you, but they will never change the true person you are.

This description applies directly to my family as well. I love the Reed family get-togethers which have at least 50 people on Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter (wow, funny enough I never really thought of myself as that religious, but I always make sure Christmas comes before Easter. Life before death, right?). Us Reeds are loud as loud can be. But, for some reason, we all understand all of the conversations that are going on around us. I love going to family get togethers and having to sit on the floor or on a stool. When my cousin Chad, who is like a brother/best friend to me, introduced me to his girlfriend, Theresa (now his wife) I knew immediately she would fit in. Also, I believe, after only knowing her for a weekend, I thought of her as one of my best friends. I could picture her as a child doing the things that Melissa, Chad, Christopher, Shane, Gina, and I would do. More often Melissa, Chad, Christopher, and I. I hate to say it, but when you have a family as big as ours cliques tend to form.

I'm hoping that I am the Theresa to Jay's family that Theresa is to mine. I love hanging out with Jay's mom. Yes, I said it, I really like my soon to be mother-in-law. Melody is a wonderful person with an exceptionally large heart. I am proud to say that I am not only her son's fiance, but hopefully one of her good friends.

Wow, sidebar note, this blog has turned into a novelette. I didn't think I would end up writing so much about how I don't like me. Actually it ended up about how much I like other people. With that thought I am going to conclude. I believe tomorrow's post will be similar to these, in the family sense. I think I will blog about my mother (she's going to kill me!).